3/13/20
Insomnia three thousand. Insomnia 3000. It sounds like a cool new weight loss program, a home gym ab redactor, or maybe a vitamin that lets you sleep without dreaming. Or all of those for the wonderful price of just $9.99 a month! You can buy it on the Home Shopping Network! “But wait, there’s more! If you buy the Insomnia 3000 today…” You also get…What? Regrets and sorrow? Terrifying fears about the Corona Virus? With the Insomnia 3000 you can enjoy all your worries about the past (when you really screwed things up) and the terrors about the future life you will never live because, thanks to the Corona Virus, you won’t have to. Or get to, I guess, it’s all a matter of how you choose to look at it.
The thing about “COVID-19”—I love how we are more familiar with it now, so cozy we’ve even nick-named it, which makes it both more familiar and more terrifying! The thing is, nobody quite knows what the fuck is going to happen to us. “We’re all going to die!” Well, yeah, one way or another that’s true, but whether it’s going to be from our friendly neighborhood virus, a violent, bloody car accident, or something else, not one of us can know…at least not until we do. Sayonara, buster! Or should I say ciao. (Too soon?)
The Corona Virus, aka COVID-19 could be the great eye-opener for all of us, a sort of public service reminder: “Hey, wash your hands, people!” Maybe it’s just proof that I’ve been right when –for years—I’ve told my husband, “We need more toilet paper. You never know!” And now, thanks to COVID-19 I can say, “Ha! Told you so!” Or maybe it’s time to face the bigger existential questions. The truth is, no matter what is going to happen in the days ahead, we really don’t know. And we never did. Sure, until now there’s been the illusion of truth for all of us: living life with the regular old, same ole same ole. You live, taking your life for granted like we all do, assuming that when you get home at 5:30 after work you won’t find your husband screwing your babysitter. If you have a husband. And a babysitter. If you don’t have a child, then having a babysitter would be really strange indeed, and I’d have to question not just your ethical choices, but also your financial ones. I mean, what kind of couple has a babysitter but not a kid?! Weirdos.
So, the idea of facing, in the middle of the night, the fears of COVID-19 and the reality that we are, in fact, all going to die is a strange one. We weren’t expecting it. We didn’t think it could happen to us. In fact, in 1995 when we watched Rene Russo and Dustin Hoffman in “Outbreak,” not only did we think it could never happen to us, it just seemed like a movie to pass the time with, which it did, because Dustin Hoffman is pretty cool and Rene Russo was under 40 so she still got to have acting parts. Even though Hoffman is also a really good actor, Russo’s career is over (did I mention she’s over 40?) and his isn’t, kind of. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen dear Dusty in anything for a while, either. I digress. Suddenly, though, there is COVID 19, our old-new friend, and “Outbreak” is on Netflix so we watch it again. We might marvel at how the movie is both lame but also oh-so-relevant for our times right now, and aren’t you glad we didn’t watch the zombie movie because, you know, it might have given you insomnia? Yet, apparently, so did “Outbreak” and I find myself up in the middle of the night, and by middle of the night I mean 5:00 am, which technically is really just grossly super-early. In fact, some people get up that early every day so they can go to the gym and exercise before work. Frankly, that’s not just disgusting it’s downright sad.
Sadness makes me feel, well, sad, and there’s nothing like donuts to treat a case of sadness, so I might have to “go get me one of those,” as my friend would say. Let’s all admit it, even though working out is health wise way better for you, eating donuts is way more enjoyable. Since we are all going to die from COVID-19 anyway, I’d rather eat a donut than eat a work out, so you know where I’m going after this: Donut shop. COVID-19 be damned. Then, just like that hilarious scene in “Animal House” where the devil is on one shoulder and the angel on the other, I recognize that there is, in fact, room for both: life and death. Exercise and donuts. I also understand that, for some people, just the idea of putting a donut in their mouth after working so hard at the gym is simply an anathema, and to those people I say “You’re stupid.” No, really, it’s not like I’m trying to be mean, or even rude (even though generally calling people “stupid” is frowned upon by most polite people) but hey, I’m not polite, and you… are stupid. If we are all going to die, and we are, then why wouldn’t you want to, at the very least, end your life with the sugary delight, the greasy, fat, deep-fried pleasure of one of life’s best inventions ever, the doughnut? Or donut, if life is simply too short for you to add the u, g, and the h. Which it is, because we’re all gonna die soon, thanks to our newly nicknamed ole pal, the Corona virus.
