This entry is on the long side, so just wanted to give you a heads up. (You’re welcome.) Plus there’s a video with Jim Gaffigan.
I am literally a leave-the-window-blinds-open kind of guy. Or would be, if I were a guy. My husband is a blinds-closed kind of guy. I’m an extrovert. He’s an introvert, although he is so likeable he has been described as “lovely,” my favorite description of him. Honestly, my friend who calls him lovely probably likes him more than she likes me! Oh, well. Another friend calls us “the perfect couple;” I agree that we are pretty damn great together! Even throughout this entire Covid situation, I’ve only wanted to kill him once. Maybe twice.
At risk of jinxing this whole, beautiful thing we’ve got going, I think what makes any “perfect couple” perfect is that they are, quite simply, good together. They work as a team, they work as a pair, they just work. They also do the work it takes to keep the relationship going. Love is not only romance, although there is that, too, of course. When I met my husband, I seriously saw golden light beams shooting from his gorgeous brown eyes. Not in a “Raiders of the Lost Ark” kind of way, with faces melting off and such, but just a powerful, utterly compelling kind of way. He was beautiful, is beautiful. I know he prefers handsome, so I will also say he was (and still is) very handsome. When we met, he was so stunning that I could barely stand it. I asked him out a few weeks later, after we’d gotten to know each other a bit. He’s a little shy, so I had to do the asking. He said yes.
My mother and step-dad are also, in different ways, a perfect couple. They are great together, and have been for 39 years.Wow! Twenty years ago, when Spouse and I were newly married, their 20 years (at the time) seemed soooo, so long! 20 years seemed amazing, if not impossible. 20 years later, since I’ve now been married longer than that myself, 20 years still seems so, soooo long–especially since Covid-19. Ha ha. (By the way, I did take a teeny bit of mathematical liberty . 20+19 is not actually 40. I know that. My folks’ marriage will be 40 years in just a matter of months). In all earnestness, though, I think any marriage that lasts happily for 20 years is pretty dang impressive, and 40 years even more so. 40 years! There are some Hollywood marriages that barely last longer than the time needed to take a poop. Then again, I guess that makes sense, too, depending on how smelly the poop is.
Seriously, though, marriage is work. Marriage is an art. The introvert-extrovert thing is only one possible balancing act. There are also politics. Religion. Sometimes there might not be a match of those two, even though that seems almost impossible to me. It isn’t. My sister-in-law and her husband have completely different political views, even though they share key and critical values. They positively adore each other. It’s a beautiful sight to behold!
I heard about a couple who lives on a farm in the middle of nowhere. (There isn’t any place that is actually nowhere, but hey, that’s the expression). Every election they drive 50 miles to cast their votes, even though they cancel each other’s out. It’s the principle of the thing, they say. I have to admire that, although the pragmatist in me wonders why they don’t just do mail-in, or “absentee” voting, seeing as how they are, in fact, absent from the rest of us, living in “the middle of nowhere” as they do. Then again, if they did vote by absentee ballot, we can’t be sure their votes would be counted, can we? United States Postal Service nightmare.
Anywhoodle, another “perfect couple” I know, who have also been married 21 years, have different religious beliefs. Come Sunday, she goes to church. He does not. He stays home, plays poker with his buddies, and smokes cigars. Just kidding. I think. How do I know? Maybe he does stay home, playing poker and smoking cigars! If that were true, would they be cheap cigars or fancy Cuban ones? Probably cheap ones, knowing him. Even though they make good money, have zero credit card debt, and hadn’t replaced their couch in a zillion years, he refused to buy a new one, many years after the couch had, um, expired. He said the couch was just fine. She couldn’t stand it! She hated that ugly couch, viscerally. She finally just bought a new couch anyway, sans “permission” or any further discussion. I don’t think he even noticed…or maybe he told her he wanted a divorce*. I can’t remember.
The perfect couple, of course, is just a fantasy. Kind of. It’s like the lyrics in the John Legend song, “I give you all of me and you give me all of you. ‘Cause all of me, loves all of you, all your perfect imperfections.” Perfect imperfections: that is so incredible, so true. Of course, any perfect imperfections could also become annoying over time. (I think Legend wrote the song for his bride, for their wedding day). Wonder how it’s going?
‘Cause all of me loves all of you, love your curves and all your edges, all your perfect imperfections.
John Legend
I just asked my husband what my “perfect imperfections” are. He told me that I’m cheerful, compassionate, and very connected to my friends and family. These things might not seem like they have a down side, but of course, they do; they can. Remember that tricky introvert/extrovert thing? So, yeah, there’s that.
I want to see my friends and family more than he does, a difference that’s more pronounced since Covid-19. We really haven’t seen anyone very much. That’s probably as it should be, for the sake of that whole, “let’s stay safe and not die” approach to this pandemic. It’s hard for both of us, but I think it’s harder for me. My husband needs a lot more down time than I do, too. I’m compassionate, but that can also translate to being quite emotional. Like a lot of us, I can’t get through that damn Sarah Maclachlan save the animals ad without welling up. (You know, the one for the poor little animals at the shelter). I confess, I’ve never donated money to them, though. It’s all just so depressing.
What about that fact that I’m cheerful? What could possibly be the downside to that? You can wonder, but what if I also tell you that I am a morning person, and he is a night owl? “Good morning, sunshine!” Can you imagine how obnoxious that is? I can, so I try not to say it… very often. I certainly never say, “Burning daylight!” which my Mom says. Ugh. At least I usually make coffee for us both before he gets up, so that’s something.
Beyond those obvious balancing acts: morning person/night owl, politics, religion, introvert/extrovert, perfect imperfections, there are infinitely more. Another reason I think my husband and I are a good fit is because we are the grownup version of that children’s rhyme, Jack Sprat. “Jack Sprat could eat no fat; his wife could eat no lean. And so betwixt the two of them, they licked the platter clean.” Even though I can eat fat and lean, as well as single-handedly “lick the platter clean,” that wasn’t my point. My point is that our individual differences balance each other, complement each other. I don’t eat tomatoes, so he eats mine. In a box of See’s candy, he likes the creamy ones. I am more than happy to eat all the chewy, crunchy ones. Fortunately or unfortunately, he likes some of the chewy ones, too, so if there aren’t any of his disgusting creamy kind left, he branches over into my chewies, which I don’t think is fair. As long as he doesn’t encroach too far, it works out alright. Neither of us likes those gross, maple sugary ones, though.
I took this pic. 
I took this, too.
The box of chocolates metaphor might seem like a silly thing, and it is, a bit. (Resisting Forrest Gump jokes here, obviously). Eating an entire box of candy is not a good idea for anyone, whether or not you have diabetes. (By the way, in 21 years, Spouse and I haven’t eaten an entire box together, but we could if we wanted to. Or had to!). When would anyone “have to” eat an entire box? Maybe if there were some bizarre reality show called “Sort of Dressed and Middle Class Married People,” we’d win that for sure! We’d get clobbered on “Naked and Afraid,” though. I would already be afraid just to be naked, let alone naked on TV! The box of chocolates is a shining metaphor of how well we work together, complement each other. There are other examples, with us, too. After 21 years, I would hope so!
In my brother-in-law and sister-in-law’s marriage, also 21 years because we all got married the same year, there is similar stuff. He likes food spicy; she likes it less spicy. (I’d call it bland, but you know, to each their own). A good marriage takes more than just food unity, of course. There have to be other things. She likes white roses. He likes vases. He likes showers; she likes baths, those kinds of things that work well together, that complement each other. Right now we are talking salt and pepper type of compleMENTS, not, “that’s a nice shirt, honey” type of compliment, with an i. Don’t ask. I might be on the spectrum; I’m looking into it.
When the four of us took a cruise (ah, gone are the days!) with my nephew and his wife, we realized that for all of us, there was something more substantial, more foundational in our partnerships. Within all three couples, each has the more grounded, solid person…and each couple has the more creative, artistic person. Even though my nephew can be very serious, and has a substantial, hefty job in D.C. politics, he is the less organized, less structured of the two. Fortunately, his wife is very organized. She’s the one who keeps it all together, makes the reservations, details the to-do lists. (Maybe she even alphabetizes them. It wouldn’t surprise me). Same, too, for my in-laws. He’s a successful attorney, but scattered and a little more floaty in his off time. My sister-in-law is the organized one. She’s the one with agendas, plans, schedules, also probably alphabetized. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. It’s a great thing! (I’m the only person I know who can lose my sunglasses inside our car!). In my marriage, you can probably guess who is the “absent-minded professor,” of the two of us. (It’s me, in case you weren’t sure. I actually was a professor before my writer’s life began). Like my brother-in-law, I could do my job quite well and was very successful at it. Until I wasn’t. My husband, on the other hand, is very structured and he, too, is organized. He is also creative and artistic. The difference is, he would never, ever lose a paintbrush.
My husband is the visual person; I’m the words person. He’s diplomatic. I’m direct. Sometimes it takes both of us, of course. I once saved us twenty, maybe thirty, minutes of haggling with the couple buying our car. When they didn’t want to pay the asking price, I cut to it, getting the result we all knew were going to get to without spending the whole day, thank goodness. (I need that extra time, just to find my glasses!). The need for both types, a diplomatic person and a direct person is invaluable. Morning person, night owl. Crunchy, creamy. Blinds open, blinds closed.
After 20+ years into our marriage, and 25 years into our partnership, I think I’ve earned the right to offer some relationship suggestions. The first I will plagiarize from Dr. Laura: “choose wisely, treat kindly.” Plagiarizing out of the way, I suggest couples do, indeed, have to do both of those things to be successful in their partnership. “Choose wisely, treat kindly.” Treating kindly is the tricky part, isn’t it? It can be hard to be kind to your person, especially if they are annoying, or if they eat all of the candies and encroach into your side. Be kind anyway.
Listen. Yes, seek to understand before you seek to be understood. It’s hard, especially in moments of anger. A friend of mine says, “Curious, not furious.” It works.
“Get curious, not furious.”
Karen H, Santa Rosa Junior College Instructor
My husband was once working on a construction project when the worker who was supposed to show up, simply…didn’t. Spouse was pissed, which does not happen very often, but when it does, he means it. I helpfully mentioned “curious, not furious.” The next day, when the guy showed up at work, he explained that his son had had an emergency surgery. (It was true, too). His son was a kidney donor and the recipient patient needed sudden surgery. The Dad was with his son at the hospital. I’d have to say that seems like a pretty legit excuse.
Never threaten. In 21 years, I have never threatened my spouse with the D word and he hasn’t either. That threat is wrong and it’s ugly. It’s not fair. Threatening the D word raises the stakes, and the intensity, far beyond what is healthy for any relationship. Even if you are fighting, it is important to remember, always remember, that your partner is your partner, your team mate. For better or for worse, you are on the same team, and that is a great thing, indeed. Perfect imperfections.
